Here at the Sportress we are concerned with all matters sport. We don’t only care about the wins and losses, we care about whether James Brayshaw spends his nights in a bush outside Glenn Maxwell’s apartment with binoculars. We also care whether or not the sportsmen we love are dickheads.
Given we don’t really run in the circles of society that entail access to Sportsmen (except that one time where one of us worked with Shaun Fensom for a bit…such sweet awkwardness). So to work out whether or not our sportsmen are shit blokes, we’ve developed a scientifically proven, rigorous assessment of character – we checked who they follow on twitter.
We started with our cricketers. Here are the results.
Ryan Harris (@r_harrs413)
Follows: Jude Bolton, Darren Berry, Adam-Ashleigh Cooper, Sam Burgess, James Magnussen, Nathan Sharpe – if you play a sport Ryan Harris follows you. In fact we’re just a little upset Ryno doesn’t follow us. Also follows Dave Hughes, and Hamish and Andy.
Verdict: Sportspeople like sport. Who knew? He clearly has a good knowledge of sport, so you’d never have to talk to him about feelings or anything. Sense of humour questionable.
David Warner (@DavidWarner31)
Follows: Apart from sportsmen (Timmy Cahill, Watto, Izzy Falau and Buea Ryan), and comedians Dave Hughes and Hamish and Andy, Davy-boy follows Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd and David Warner parody accounts. Not love for Tony Abbott though .
Verdict: Possibly smarter than you look Dave (on account of the parody account of course). Double thumbs up for you.
Matty Hayden (@HaydosTweets)
Follows: Sportsmen (Johnny Wilkinson you traitor!), surfing, shit music (Haydos, talk to me about why on earth you follow Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus? You understand how google images works right?) and shit advice (Kochie). Of course he follows Hamish and Andy. Russel Crowe and Hugh Jackman get a guernsey. Follows Kevin Rudd and Anna Bligh (QUEENSLANDER!) Follows the Dalai Lama but not Tweets of God.
Verdict: Haydos you have questionable music taste (and probably the Les Miserables soundtrack on repeat on your phone). Also are you having a crisis of faith? What’s going on buddy?
Michael Slater (@mj_slats)
Follows: Cricketers. Sportspeople. PR people. Kochie. Hamish and Andy. You know. Boring.
Verdict: Not that interesting and somewhat irritating, Slats. Like your commentary.
Stuart MacGill (@scgmacill)
Follows: Chris Pyne, the Liberal Party, Premier Mike Baird, David Koch, Barry O’Farrell, George Michael, 4corners, Joe Hildrebrand. Wine, wine, wine, wine….And the official Doctor Who account.
Verdict: Stu is clearly a #gamergate person.
Nathan Lyon (@NathLyon421)
Follows: Cricket people. And Jarrod Croker.
Verdict: Didn’t see Certified Accountants at all so we’re disappointed. Clearly Nathan Lyon goes for the Raiders. Good Lyon.
Steve Smith (@stevesmith49)
Follows: Cricket people, gambling. All the Masterchef judges as well as the official Masterchef Account. Hamish and Andy. Ashton Kutcher. Charlie Sheen. Hillary Duff. Also follows Steve Smith Sr. the wide receiver from the Baltimore Ravens.
Verdict: This is the hardest one to take. Here at the Sportress we love Steve Smith. But he is clearly a bit simple. The hope is that he spends so much time thinking about cricket and training that he collapses in front of the tv at night only to watch reruns of Hannah Montana and Two and a Half Men because that’s all he can handle.
Although he does follow Steve Smith Sr. I can only hope he takes life lessons from Steve Smith Sr. Because Steve Smith Sr is all business.
Glenn Maxwell (@GMaxi_32)
Follows: Hot chicks, sportspeople. Clearly likes golf and AFL. Hamish and Andy.
Verdict: What is it about Hamish and Andy?
Follows: Cricket people, lots of league people (but also Greg Bird). Ricki-Lee. Peter Overton and Peter Stefanovic. AND KIM FUCKING BEAZLEY!
Verdict: Clarkey. There is a reason you’re captain. Because you know who to pick. And you picked the big man.
Ed Cowan (@eddiecowan)
Follows: Good cricket writers (Catherine McGregor, George Dobell, Lawrence Booth), good comedians (Ross Noble, Matt Okine) the Moth, David Stratton, Mark Colvin and Mark Scott, Slate, Vox, Grantland. Jamelle Bouie. Obama. Kate Ellis, Kevin Rudd, Turnbull and a Turnbull parody. Even hate follows Miranda Devine and the CIA (watching them watch you. Smart work Ed).
Verdict. Gets 5000 points for not following Hamish and/or Andy. Loses points for Marieke Hardy. All in all the most Sportress effort so far. Clearly Cowan is about the only cricketer that reads. Pick him in the test team.
Brett Lee (@BrettLee_58)
Follows: Ben Fordham, A Current Affair. The Block. Indian PM and person with image issues in the Muslim community, Narendra Modi. Australia’s foremost crusader Scott Morrison. Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott and Australia’s next Prime Minister Julie Bishop. Joel Madden and fucking Pitbull. Kyle and Jackie O.
Verdict: Brett Lee is a cunt