Recently we at the Sportress undertook a rigorous, scientific examination of the personalities of some of our greatest cricketers. How you ask? By examining who they followed on twitter.
What we found was surprising.
For starters, if you play cricket you think Hamish and Andy are funny. It was so consistent that we now think it may be a standard clause in Cricket Australia’s contracts. It is also why Ed Cowan can’t get back in the test team – no Hamish and Andy, no game. We learnt that Davy Warner is actually probably a top bloke, Ryan Harris likes sport and Matty Hayden is having a crisis of faith. And Brett Lee….well…we’re not fans to be honest.
We were so illuminated by this that we decided to dig deeper. We decided to investigate the stars of the Big Bash League to discover if they possessed the same quality personalities as our test team. Here’s what we found.
Brad Hogg (@Brad_Hogg)
Follows: Pretty much every sports related account in Australia. He follows at least 8 different AFL teams, 7 different NRL teams, Hockey Australia, Cricket Australia, and Professional Basket-Weaving Australia (we assume). Of course he follows Hamish and Andy. Charlie Sheen. And Derryn Hinch.
Verdict: Hot Shots was a rad movie so Sheen is alright. Obligatory Hamish and Andy follow. But the key here is that Brad Hogg just loves sport. You can see he’ll be playing grade cricket till he’s in his 90s and can barely walk. Some smart-arse kid will talk smack because he’s old, and Hoggy will just smile because he won two world cups so that kid can go cram it.
Ryan ten Doeschate (@rtendo27)
Follows: Cricketers and sports. Caroline Wozniacki, Zooey fucking Deschanel, and a bunch of models with private accounts. Richard Dawkins, Michael Moore, Ariana Huffington, Oprah, Guardian opinion writer Hedley Freeman. Talib Kweli.
Verdict: Look the man likes boobs and atheist feelpinions. Not necessarily in that order. We do not understand Oprah. Big ups on the Kweli love but Ryno, the dude hasn’t made a good album since Quality. Figure he doesn’t follow Hamish and Andy cos he’s Dutch and therefore doesn’t have a sense of humour.
Jason Floros (@FlorosJason)
Follows: Cricket and Golf. The Swans. His Mum.
Verdict: You can’t hate on a dude that follows him mum on twitter. Clearly a sweetheart.
Michael Carberry (@Carbs646)
Follows: Cricketers. A lot of models. Many actresses (though no actors. Strange.) Many, many random accounts of what appears to be young, attractive female friends on twitter he has presumably acquired on his travels. Carly Rae Jepsen, Taylor Swift, Avril Lavigne, Jessican Simpson, Mariah Carey, Ne-Yo, Drizzy Drake, Leona Lewis and Britney Spears. Also Oprah and Kim Kardashian.
Verdict: Cleary sees no inconsistency following UN Ambassador for Women Emma Watson as well as Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Suspect Watson not followed for her views on gender equality. Awful taste in music.
Nic Maddison (@maddo53)
Follows: Maddison says in his bio he has beard envy. He follows all kinds of hipster music – Pitchfork, Chance the Rapper, FKA Twigs, Elliphant, Asegeir, Crooked Colours, Lana Del Ray, Big Scary, Solange Knowles, Cloves, Azaelia Banks, Natalie Imburglia. The Bondi Wanker, MJ Bale Menswear. Karl Stefanovic. Does not follow Hamish and/or Andy.
Verdict: Urgh. Hipsters are the worst. But what’s with Karl Stefanovic?
Cameron Boyce (@CaJBoyce)
Follows: His own fan club, Kim Kardashian. Karl Stefanovic! Funny Vines and Best Vines and probably Best Funny Vines. The Jeep fan page. The Dalai Lama, Tweets from God, Darth Vader, Yoda and a Bill Murray parody account. Marks, Wahlberg and Ruffalo. Rebel Wilson, Mich Malloy and Rove. Oh yeah, and Snapchat Pussy.
Verdict: Be honest, you’re shocked he has a fan club.
But really, after scientific analysis, Boyce is clearly the next Warnie. This analysis is based on character alone.
Callum Ferguson (@calferguson12)
Follows: Andy Lee (no Hamish!). His own fan club. Charlie Sheen. World class misogynist Tucker Max. Tony Abbott and Karl Stefanovic, Richard Dawkins and Richard Branson (2 dicks!). Pharrell Williams. Essendon and Miami Heat Fan.
Verdict: “Hi. My name is Callum. I am interested in the views of misogynists. I have a terrible sense of humour and questionable taste in music. I am unusually obsessed with the colours red and black and enjoy the opinions of acerbic white males. I like Two And A Half Men.”
Sounds like a top guy.
Ben Rohrer (@Rohrs99)
Follows: Hamish and Andy. Karl Stefanovic. His own fan club. Piers Morgan, Grace Collier, Barry O’Farrell, Joe Hockey, Malcolm Turnbull and Kevin Rudd. Ben Fordham AND Joe Hildebrand.
Verdict: I will never understand this Karl Stefanovic thing.