Aussie NBA playoffs update

BY BEN

The Conference Finals have started and we thought it was time to give you a proper update of the NBA playoffs. Don’t be fooled by mainstream American media telling you it’s all about Lebron, Curry and Harden. That’s just bullshit American propaganda. Tune in to the Sportress for the true legends and wankers of the NBA playoffs so far.

Legends

Matty Dellavedova

Matty’s not fast, he’s not tall and he’s an average shooter.  So why he is one of the most important players in the NBA playoffs? Because he’s a sneaky fucking Australian with plenty of ticker.

At a critical point in game 5 between the Cavaliers and Bulls, “Sneaky” Dellavedova managed to leg lock one of Chicago’s key players in Taj Gibson. When Gibson tried to kick himself free he was charged with a flagrant grade 2 foul and ejected from the game. Dellavadova hit the subsequent free throws, which started a Cleveland run that the Bulls were never able to come back from.

Then in game 6 star point guard Kyrie Irving left the game early with an injury giving Matty heaps of minutes to be super sneaky. With the whole Chicago team deciding Lebron James was the only player worth guarding “Sneaky” Dellavedova top scored with 19 points and a whole bunch of open looks. What a legend.

Andrew Bogut

Andrew Bogut is also sneaky……for a man who is 7 foot and 118 kilos.

Full mullet
Full mullet

Bogut is kind of like a cross between Dermott Brereton and Alan Tongue. Great basketball mind, loves the physicality, works his arse off without anyone noticing and most importantly, loves his mullet. In the second round the Warriors struggled early on against the physical Memphis Grizzlies. As the series progressed Bogut’s mullet got longer and longer giving him the power he needed to out muscle the Memphis Grizzlies big men. This was super evident in game 4 as the big Aussie set the standard for defensive intimidation, forcing turnovers and sparking the previously stagnant Warriors offence.

Patty Mills

Patty is rad. In what was the greatest ever first round playoff series, Patty proved he is a top NBA guard. With Tony Parker struggling with hamstring issues Patty hit some big threes and iced a super important game 5 victory with two high pressure free throws. While he didn’t single handedly beat Lebron James and win an NBA championship this year Patty is still a legend.

Wankers

Derrick Rose and Paul Pierce

I usually like both these guys. But who tries to bank a game winning three pointer?…..NO ONE! Don’t be a wanker and act like you are a supernatural being blessed with the power of making ugly unlikely shots go in off the back board. You can celebrate. Just don’t be a dick. That’s all I’m saying.

Tony Allen

What the Fuck Tony Allen? You didn’t notice there were thirty little kids dancing on the court. Wanker.

Dennis Schroder

John Wall was returning to the Hawks vs Wizards series after trying to recover from five fractures in his hand and wrist. Wall over heard Schroder telling teammate Kurt Bazemore to smack Wall’s wrists to which Wall responded “You come smack it!”. Come on Schroder. What a wanker. You have to be quiet and sneaky like Dellavedova. Then once you sneak up on him and smack his wrists he retaliates and gets ejected. That’s how us Aussies roll.

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