Poor Shane Watson.
Apart from spending most of his days being ridiculously wealthy, having a beautiful family and generally getting to live a life every Australian boy dreams of, Watto has had a bit of a rough time of late.
You see, people have been blaming him for Australia not doing so well in the first Ashes test. It’s pretty clear that he has lost his job. Some are even suggesting he’s actually some sort of mutant demon… but I digress.
Here at the Sportress we know that everyone has a special talent. We can all contribute, if only we’re put in position to utilise what god gave us. Watto’s problem is that he’s never been able to exercise his god given gifts of second guessing.
Close your eyes. Just imagine.
April 1915. A group of British officers gather around a map. They’ve gazed over this map before, looking for the perfect spot to launch their attack on the Ottoman Empire, they see a little island in the Dardenelles.
“Gentlemen. Our assault on the Turks will be at Gallipoli”, First Lord Admiral of the Royal Navy Winston Churchill bellows. The officers look at each other. Nervous.
From the back of the room, a voice of strength comes forth.
“I think I’ll review that” Shane Watson says, a move that single handedly spares thousands of lives.
What other good could Shane Watson have done with his fondness for the review system?
1. The bombing of Hiroshim and Nagasaki
Enola Gay crew: Wooo let’s go drop this atomic bomb, killing hundreds of thousands and sparking a new arms race!
Watto: Review it!
2. Tupac Shakur goes for a drive in Las Vegas
2PAC: Well we did just beat up that dude in the foyer of the MGM, but I see no problem in going for a sneaky drive down the strip….
Watto: Review it!
3. Harold Holt goes for a swim
Harold Holt: Gee it’s a nice day. Maybe I’ll go for a swim by myself in this notoriously dangerous water.
Watto: I reckon we review that.
4. Archduke Ferdinand goes for a drive
Archduke Ferdinand: Nice day for a drive my dear don’t you think?
Watto: nah review that.
5. Lady Di and Dodi take a trip through a Paris tunnel
Lady Diana: Dodi do you think the driver was slurring his words a bit? Oh I’m sure it’ll be fine.
Watto: …..uh….check that.
6. The Titanic and the Iceberg
Titanic Captain: This ship is unsinkable. That iceberg can get fucked.
Watto: I’m gonna go ahead and review that.
7. The Signing of the Treaty of Versailles
French Prime Minister Georges Clemenceau: This will teach those Germans never to fuck with us again.
8. Tiger gets carried away with his sponsor’s slogan
Tiger: No one will ever find out!
Watto: Ahem… Review. Also, here’s some protection.
9. OH THE HUMANITY!
Hindenberg crewman: I’m telling you man, fill it with Hydrogen!
Watto: You have to review that!
10. A certain Jewish character rises from the dead.
Romans: You SURE he’s dead?
Watto: Definitely review.
Because Watto’s reviews are never successful, all these things would have happened regardless. But it’s nice to think he could have helped, if only a little bit.
It’s more than he helps on the cricket pitch.