10 Things About the NFL: Week 1

BY DAN

NFL is back and I suddenly feel far more relaxed and happy about life. Nothing fixes Monday morning like waking up and their being sport on. If only I could tell work to well.. you know. Here’s our ten things from week one.

5 Up

At the top of the league our 4 favourites had a mixed start to the season. The Patriots dominated the Steelers, as Rob Gronkowski gronked his unusual mix of size and grace all over Foxborough. The Seahawks unexpectedly lost to division rival St Louis, as did Baltimore against the very good defence of the Denver Broncos. The Packers did enough against the Bears.

Our quest for a fifth side remains unfulfilled. The Colts lost to the Bills because Rex Ryan is good at coaching defence. The Steelers coach Omar Epps Mike Tomlin probably is not. The Eagles started slowly, Sam Bradford refused to throw the ball down the field, and they managed to lose on Monday night. The Cowboys struggled with the idiotic Giants. The quest continues.

Da Bears (Are Awful)

Don't feel too bad for him. He doesn't vaccinate his kids. For realz.
Don’t feel too bad for him. He doesn’t vaccinate his kids. For realz.

A Bears fan might take heart from the moral victory loss to the Packers. Cutler did some good things, and only threw one pick. Forte ran well behind a line that looked dominant. But oh that defence. Zero hits on Aaron Rodgers, who completed 18 of his 23 passes and basically looked like he had a fairly lazy Sunday.

Ah well Jay. Chin up buddy.

Tom Brady narrative watch

Current Narrative: Brady redemption tour begins. Needs some tunes.  

Brady started this season as he ended the last – rolling like a fucking boss. 4 touchdowns and a near perfect game (QBR 91.2, rating 143.8) was probably the way you’d like to start your redemption tour. The commentators said he came out fired up, presumably after bumping some mad tunes on his Beats By Dre headphones he’s not allowed to wear (per the NFL’s contract with Bose). What do you think he listens to? I like to think it’s this.

People Being Cranky Cos the Pats are Better Than Them

See cos normally he likes to listen to Dr Yobbo interrupt Beeso on The Balls.
Tomlin likes to listen to Tay Tay. It makes him happy.

Speaking of headphones, apparently the Steelers experienced some headphone related drama in their lost to the Pats. Coach Tomlin handled it with grace though, impressively accusing the Pats of cheating without saying the words; using the Patriots reputation to hide the fact his defence is awful. Surprisingly the Steelers decided to not file a formal complaint.

Roger Goodell Performance Rating

Rating: Wants a cookie for doing what he’s supposed to.

The real story of #headphonegate was that the NFL actually managed to point out that a) they are responsible for the headphones coaches use and b) it was probably the always shitty weather of New England that caused the dramas. Of course, it is hard for a multibillion dollar organisation to make sure headphones work properly, but at least Goodell stopped this turning into another witch hunt.

Players I love

Kiko Alonso is just a fantastic name. And he has fantastic hair. And check out what he did on the weekend.

This Week in Aaron Rodgers is God

We mentioned earlier that Rodgers had three touchdowns on 18 of 23 attempts on Sunday. Relatively quiet weekend for the deity. I like this throw because he threw it 30 metres down the field into a plate sized spot where only his receiver could catch it.

The NFC East

My favourite division managed to go 1 and 3 on the weekend, and only got that victory because two of them were playing each other. No one really impressed, except Tony Romo, who performed yet another come-from-behind 2 minute drill with a miraculous play for the win.

5 down

The Raiders were bad. Washington were not good. Jacksonville still has a team but they lost too. In fact, like the NFC, our five worst teams only managed a win because two of them were playing each other (well done on winning the crap-off Jets!). Check out Browns starting QB Josh McCown going nuts.

That shit cray.

Jarrod Hayne Watch

Jarrod muffed a punt. For the uninitiated amongst you, that basically means he dropped a bomb. It didn’t end up hurting his team, but it did reveal that Hayne is in fact mortal. Apart from that he did great, making some good runs with the ball, and picking up a couple of important blocks in the passing game – something that I always thought would be the hardest thing for him to adjust to. Don’t watch the punt, check out this package instead.

This week in songs tenuously linked to football: Way Down in the Hole – Blind Boys of Alabama (Theme from The Wire, season one)

GO RAVENS!

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