10 Things About the NFL: Week 2

BY DAN

This is not my mate Jarrah but you get the point.
This is not my mate Jarrah but you get the point.

We’re only just starting to get to know this NFL season.

Like any new relationship some things have made us excited and nervous and giggily. Other things have made us wish we could raise one eyebrow like our mate Jarrah who can raise an eyebrow.

5 Up

The Pats are quickly establishing themselves as league leaders. They put a world of hurt on the Bills before some extended garbage time saw the scores get artificially close. The Packers, and the Hon. Aaron Rodgers QB showed they are legit, beating another of our top 5, the Seahawks, who worryingly slipped to 0-2. Baltimore also slipped to 0-2 when they lost to the Raiders, which is bad. Very bad. Because the Raiders suck (except for Amari Cooper).

If people don’t get their act together we might have to revisit our top 5. Except one problem.

We don’t really know who else is good. The Colts lost again, and Andrew Luck looked like Ryan Leaf. The Steelers beat the 49ers, but the 49ers were on a short rest and the Steelers weren’t. The Eagles took group dump on the field instead of turning up against Dallas. The Cowboys were Homer Simponsoning into 5th (“De-Fault! De-Fault!) until Tony Romo joined Des Bryant on the sidelines for a long, long time. The Cardinals and the Chiefs may be our next contenders.

Da Bears (Are Awful)

They lost again. Got pumped by the Cardinals, the defence making 2015 Caron Palmer 2015 look like 2005 Carson Palmer. And then Jay went and strained his hamstring (somehow – it doesn’t look like it) and is out for a couple. Sad Jay.

Tom Brady narrative watch

May or may not be Brady at the moment.
May or may not be Brady at the moment.

Current Narrative: Brady is destroying the world

Rex Ryan likes to think he can get to Brady cos he got to him once or twice before. He didn’t get to him today. Brady just did a lot of this and was last seen expressing his pleasure like Ace Ventura. Probably.

So after 2 games he has the Pats offence humming and people are getting carried away. It seems in the NFL you’re either a genius or a cheat.

People Being Cranky Cos the Pats are Better Than Them

Buffalo is a weird place. Check out this dude skol a beer and then try to put a wrestling move on this Patriots dressed doll.

So close!

Roger Goodell Performance Rating

Rating: Quiet!

Roger was quiet this week. Which was nice because it meant people mostly talked about football instead of him. Let’s call it a win.

Players I love

Cam Newton is the quarterback for the Carolina Panthers. Apart from possessing a smile that could power a small town, unlimited athletic skill and generally just killing life, he also does amazing things on the football field.

This. Is. Amazing.

This Week in Aaron Rodgers is God

Check out this pass. The Hon Aaron Rodgers QB made a 30 yard throw across his body running the wrong way. And I can’t even pee straight.

The NFC East

Wow did this get crap fast. The aforementioned injuries to Romo and Bryant have pretty much ruled Dallas out from a serious playoff run. The Eagles experiment has hit “pants ripping right down the crack in public” levels of embarrassment. The Giants, petrified of maybe actually being favourites decided to throw away the game in Atlanta (thank you, Eli!). Which leaves the Washingtons.

Because a universally laughable organisation should totally win the division. Sigh.

5 down

I mean what in hell happened here?

The Raiders beat the Ravens because shut up.The Washingtons somehow held out the Rams D-Line and won.

Even this guy got the W
Even this guy got the W

The Jaguars, the freaking Jaguars (!) stopped the Dolphins fearsome rush. The Jets made Andrew Luck look like a clown. AND JOHNNY FOOTBALL GOT THE W.

Just pack it up people. The Rapture happened and we’re all still here. I’m investing in some good airconditioning.

Jarrod Hayne Watch

The 49ers were behind the 8-ball this week, so Hayne didn’t get much run time. That the 3rd string running-back only got a couple of carries isn’t unusual for an NFL game. So of course the Australia media freaked out.

The Australia media has no chill.

This week in songs tenuously linked to football – Common featuring the Last Poets “The Corner”

GO BEARS!

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