10 Things About the NFL: Week 5

BY DAN

Cube said it man. And I lived it
Cube said it man. And I lived it

It’s weird watching football from Australia. I get up early on Monday morning before work, watch Red Zone until I have to go to work (usually around the end of the 1pm games). Then usually I come home and watch a game or two on Monday night. So in terms of excitement, I’m the weirdo that hopes the early games are awesome. This week I got to see the Browns beat the Ravens in OT, the Bears beat the Chiefs at the buzzer, the Bengals came back from 17 down to beat Seattle and the Falcons beating the Washingtons in OT. Like Cube said, it was a good day.

5 Up

The Pats actually had a rougher day than their 30-6 victory over the broken Cowboys indicated. The Cowboys put Brady on his ass 5 times in the first half, which is literally the only way to stop him. After half-time the Pats sorted that business. The Packers had a second quiet week in a row against a ‘better than their record’ St Louis team but still won.

This man is not normally clutch
This man is not normally clutch

The Cardinals paddled the Lions and the Denver defence did enough to cover for Peyton Manning’s noodle arm (seriously, this is getting very depressing. You’re watching the last season of a legend people, and it ain’t pretty).

Seattle? We’re banning them because they lost to Cincinnati. Actually, not so much because they lost, but mostly because they allowed Andy ‘deer in the headlights’ Dalton to bring back the Bengals from 17 points down. Best defence in thirty years? Yah well, that’s over now.

And the Ravens? Well they lost to the Browns. For those who don’t know, Baltimore stole the Ravens from Cleveland in the mid-1990s.[1] So we’re a sneaky bit happy for the Browns but sad for Bunk.

Da Bears (Are Awful)

What if I told you that Jay Cutler choked and was clutch on the same play?

jaygif
See, cos there’s not actually many gifs of Cutler actually being happy.

Tom Brady narrative watch

Current Narrative: A lover not a fighter

He didn’t really even have to do much today. Even with the Pats O-line holier than the Pope he still had them leading 13-3 at half time. After that it was all back to the business of being wanted by every woman on earth. Or perhaps just some really drunk ones.

People Being Cranky Cos the Pats are Better Than Them

I mean, who knew that Americans had too many guns?

Roger Goodell Performance Rating

Rating: Even quieter than normal

Greg Hardy came back this week. And the League seemed pretty comfortable with his inappropriately ‘combative’ language in describing his comeback. Katie Nolan said it best.

Roger, however, said nothing at all. Instead the NFL decided that DeAngelo Williams shouldn’t be allowed to wear pink all season. Williams had wanted to do so as a tribute to his mother, who died of breast cancer.

Players I love

It’s pretty hard to not like Julian Edelman. Dude was a quarterback in college. Got drafted in the 7th round to play wide receiver for the Pats. And now he and former 6th round pick Tom Brady make sweet music together each week. Today, it was Ankle Breaking in E Minor for a 59 yard touchdown.

That is not good technique.
That is not good technique by the cornerback.

This Week in Aaron Rodgers is God

Aaron Rodgers threw two interceptions at home this week. It was the first time he’d thrown an interception at home since December 2, 2012. In between he threw 586 passes and 49 touchdowns at home. Because he is God.

The NFC East

Eli Manning, little brother to one of the greatest quarterbacks ever, showed big bro how to get it done, going full elite mode to beat the 49ers on a last minute drive to win. The Eagles pummeled the sorry Saints, unfortunately breathing air (but not life) into Chip Kelly’s dead octopus of a season. The Washingtons lost in a hilarious way when the coaches hand-picked, secretly crud quarterback choked.

5 down

So maybe the Bears are better than awful? They can move from awful to mediocre. The Browns are too frisky to be in here too. So instead we keep the kings of crap, the Jags, along with the Saints (sad face New Orleans). The Texans are here because they haven’t won yet, which is bizarre given they have J.J Watt on their team, who might possibly be the greatest defensive player ever. The Lions, also winless, are here despite having Calvin Johnson, one of the best receivers ever. And the godawful Washingtons.

Jarryd Hayne Watch

Jarryd ‘almost’ got a touchdown today. And the Australian media went mega crazy.

Jeez media. Act like you’ve been there before.

This Week In Songs Tenuously Linked to Football – Trombone Shorty “Do to Me”

GO SAINTS!

[1] This after losing their own Colts to Indianapolis in the early 1980s.

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