ISC has released their range of Marvel inspired jerseys for 2017, and we at the Sportress have decided to rank them for you using a system that we’ve blatantly stolen from the Ringer.
Before we start, we need to clarify just one little point. This is a venture between ISC, their clients in the NRL and Marvel. Not Blades. Not Asics. If your team doesn’t have their jerseys supplied by ISC then they’re not getting a Marvel jersey. Yes it’s amazing that the NRL has more than one jersey supplier, but I don’t know what to tell you. This is the National Rugby League.
Jerseys will be ranked on a points system which I have devised while writing the previous two rather short paragraphs (and reading the Ringer).
Each actor earns a jersey a randomised amount of points, basically whatever their star wattage is. Film appearances are worth five points a pop. Super powers are worth ten points each. If a team identity merges with said character, a fifty point power up is given, minus twenty five if the two have no relevance to each other (subject to whims).
Rad factor is a thing, and it’s worth points.
And yes. This will get nerdy.
Manly Sea Eagles – Falcon
The Falcon, Sam Wilson, is Captain America’s sidekick in the war against bad dudes everywhere. He fights said bad dudes with his awesome flight enabling exo-pack. He has appeared in the last two Captain America films, Ant Man and Avengers: Age of Ultron.
Played by: Anthony Mackie (+10)
Film/TV appearances: Four (+20)
Super powers: None – He totally stole that flight pack. (0)
Team/Character Convergence: Sea-Eagles and Falcons are nearly the same thing, so power up! (+50)
Is It Rad: Uuuuummmmm NO. I mean, if you didn’t know about this promotion, would you even know what the Sea-Eagles were wearing? (-200)
Final Score: -120
Canberra Raiders – Iron Fist
Danny Rand is Iron Fist, one of Marvel’s street level heroes of New York. He is also the main character of the next Marvel/Netflix series, which is exactly why the Raiders are wearing this and not the Hulk jersey.
Played by: Finn Jones (Loras Tyrell in GoT!) (+20)
Film/TV appearances: Iron Fist & the Defenders (+10)
Super powers: Awesome mystical martial arts, including the ability to hit people with a hurtful glowing fist. (+10)
Team/Character Convergence: Uhhhh Look they’re both green, so give them fifty, but then take it away because the Hulk feels left out. (0)
Is It Rad: Well it would’ve been if Iron Fist was already out – as it is there will simply be a lot of fans standing around looking a bit confused. (0)
Final Score: +40
North Queensland Cowboys – Captain America
Captain America is one of Marvel’s best known characters. It’s just really unfortunate that as of now he is the main villain in the Marvel universe, having revealed himself as an agent of Hydra. Still that’s only in the comics (so far) so maybe Chris Evans can help salvage this deal.
Played by: Chris Evans (+40)
Film/TV appearances: Cap 1, 2 & 3, Avengers 1 & 2, and a brief cameo in Thor: the Dark World (+30)
Super powers: Super Soldier Serum enhancement (Ed note: Hey Rob am I meant to be laughing at that or no?), and Chris Evan’s dentist on speed dial. (+20)
Team/Character Convergence: Look, Captain America and Cowboys are both really American things, so that’s good. We might have to knock off points for the Hydra thing though. (+50-30=20)
Is It Rad: It might not be the quintessential Captain America uniform, but it’s close enough that everyone knows what’s what. (+30)
Final Score: +140
Brisbane Broncos – Iron Man
Iron Man wears a suit of hi-tech armor, so ISC promptly called up the Broncos, who don’t, because sensible rules don’t apply here. What they do have in common is piles of cash that they use to get things their own way, so there is common ground. If you don’t know who either of these entities are you clear don’t watch enough Marvel Movies or Friday Night Football.
Played by: Robert Downey Jr (+400)
Film/TV appearances: Iron Man 1, 2 & 3, Avengers 1 & 2, a cameo in the Incredible Hulk, with Spider-man Homecoming on the way (+35)
Super powers: Resurrecting Robert Downey Jr’s career (+10)
Team/Character Convergence: HAHAHAHAH NO (-100)
Is It Rad: Meeehhhh kind of, but they skimped on putting any detail into the Arc Reactor, and it’s kinda drab, sooooo (-300)
Final Score: +45
St George Illawarra Dragons – Ant Man
Look Ant Man was a good film, which is why it’s so said that he got stuck with the Dragons. Ant Man and the Wasp is nowhere near release which makes this pairing even weirder. They really should have given the Dragons Fin Fang Foom. Google it.
Played by: Paul Rudd! (+600)
Film/TV appearances: Two (+10)
Super powers: None, except for the endearing and enduring charms of Paul Rudd (+10)
Team/Character Convergence: What? (-600)
Is It Rad: Nope (-50)
Final Score: -30
Newcastle Knights – Iron Patriot
Iron Patriot is the name that James “Rhodey” Rhodes took on after he got his War Machine armour a nice star and stripes paint job. In defence of this partnership the colours match and both are represented by a suit of armour. Both Iron Patriot and the Knights only exist as part of a greater whole (the Avengers and the NRL).
Played by: DON CHEADLE MOTHERFUCKERS (+1000)
Film/TV appearances: Iron Man 2 & 3, Avengers 2, Cap 3 (+20)
Super powers: Moonlights as Captain Planet (+50)
Team/Character Convergence: Colours and a theme? (+100)
Is It Rad: The Knights are the least raddest team in the NRL right now, but I bet if they wore this jersey all year they would win at least ten games. But they won’t, so guess what? (-1180)
Final Score: 0
Sydney Roosters – Spiderman
One is a teenage boy struggling with great power and responsibility, the other is a group of guys behaving like teenage boys with little responsibility. Oh yeah, that’s good satire. What is a really awesome Spiderman style jersey is ruined by the giant Steggles logo in the middle (as if Peter Parker would ever be so desperate).
Played by: Toby Maguire, Andrew Garfield, Tom Holland (+10, -20, +10… 0)
Film/TV appearances: Spiderman 1, 2 & 3, The Amazing Spiderman 1 & 2, Captain America 3, Spiderman Homecoming (+5, +10, -50, -50, -50, +5, +5… -125)
Super powers: All the powers of a radioactive spider, easily negated by the powers of Roosters personnel when it comes to getting into trouble (0)
Team/Character Convergence: Spiderman is dual coloured, the Roosters are tri-colours. No go (0)
Is It Rad: If you took off every badge and logo then it would be great for Halloween. Unfortunately they’re still there and it’s February (0)
Final Score: -125
Wests Tigers – Rocket Raccoon
Does anyone else find it weird that they thought it was necessary to include some of Rocket’s arm hair on the sleeve design? Look, I’m not saying that Guardians of the Galaxy wasn’t Marvel’s best film of the last four years (it was) or that I’m not looking forward to number 2 this year (I am), it’s just that this isn’t the kind of exposure that that particular franchise needs.
Played by: Bradley Cooper (voice) (+30)
Film/TV appearances: Both the Guardians films (+10)
Super powers: Bringing pathos and feeling to the story of a genetically modified raccoon (+100)
Team/Character Convergence: Something about colours… (+50)
Is It Rad: Everything was going so well, and then BAM, weird arm hair (-200)
Final Score: -10
Melbourne Storm – Thor
Thor, God of Thunder! Storm, Kings of Cheating! Honour takes niggling deviance hand in hand and off they go. The design is actually really rad on this one, it’s just a shame it’s being worn by the Storm, and therefore automatically hated by everyone else.
Played by: Chris Hemsworth (+100)
Film/TV appearances: Thor 1 & 2, Avengers 1 & 2 and the up-coming Thor: Ragnarok (+25)
Super powers: Is a god, although most of the powers are conveyed by the hammer and the attire. But he is worthy. (+10)
Team/Character Convergence: Really well aligned, but then you see the little bit in the middle where they tried to sneak some Storm purple in, so you take off points. Lots of points (-500)
Is It Rad: The Thor aspect is (+40)
Final Score: -325