The NRL has issued a strong ultimatum to any opposition considering tackling or making contact with Billy Slater.
NRL lawyers have been working overtime to have the Storm custodian fast tracked on to a number of protected lists, submitting applications to UNESCO, the WWF and Victorian Parks and Wildlife.
A snap emergency meeting was also held at NRL HQ last night, with the following revisions made to the ongoing crisis of players engaging in physical conduct with Slater.
- All opposition players must submit an intent to tackle notice for each tackle, meaning that hard-working lock forwards may be forced to carry upwards of forty applications stuffed into their waistbands. Each application must be submitted to the head referee before contact can be made.
- Slater will have a security detail with him for 100 minutes, 5 minutes before the match, for the duration of the match and for 5 minutes after the game has ended. Security team members are allowed to taser opposition players who move inside the invisible cordon without submitting a physical contact application (or when Slater is on a good run to the try line).
- In the event of an unruly opposing side the NRL may deploy security drones which can disperse tear gas and fire rubber bullets or hi-density bean bags.
- The media, opposition fans and anyone else is hereby barred from mentioning all those times that Slater has kicked someone in the face/neck/body.
- Anyone found referring to Sia Soliola as a true legend of the game and a genuine all-round dude will be unduly hounded and harassed by emotionally reactive media figures until they find something new to be outraged about.
The NRL would like to thank all 15 teams for their input during this very trying Melbourne Premiership.